Vanity, O Vanity, Where Is Your Scotch Tape? (or Why In the Heck Do I Do These Things?)

DISCLAIMER – I am going to show you pictures of myself that I would never normally reveal (keep in mind that I hate ALL pics of myself, so I would normally never reveal ANY to you). Don’t worry – you aren’t about to see any porn. Trust me – that would be nightmarish! I preface this with a warning because what is about to be revealed to you WILL disappoint you…it may make your stomach churn…it may be – horrific.

We’ve all heard that piece of advice that just seemed stupid - after the fact. Last week, I decided to follow such counsel. During lunch, typing on my computer and shoving down a sandwich, I was joined by a co-worker. “Stop wrinkling your forehead. You really need to quit wrinkling your face. You know it causes wrinkles.” A fact of which I am increasingly becoming aware - only made worse, now, by her observation. Thanks! (Can you lovingly admonish someone?)

If you knew me, really knew me, you would not be surprised at the recall of odd advice that came to my mind at that moment. I pondered...“But how in the world do you go through life without making a single wrinkle in your face: You frown, you wrinkle; you smile, you wrinkle; you worry, you wrinkle; you wonder, you wrinkle; you scream, you wrinkle, you laugh, YOU WRINKLE. Come on!” Then the recall, “Hey, I heard this woman say once that if you put a piece of tape on the places that are beginning to wrinkle, it will make you more aware of when you are doing it and you can train yourself to do it less often.” “Yeah, I’ve heard that too,” retorted my co-worker. With a bit of a giggle, I grabbed the scotch tape – why not!

Now to target the trouble spots – a piece right in the middle of the forehead, a piece on the left side should cover the left set of laugh lines, and a piece on the right to do the same for that side. Alrighty folks, not gonna give the play-by-play, but I will just say that this advice ranks right up there with _____________________(I'm sure you could all fill in the blank).  As if I didn’t look foolish enough just sitting at my desk with transparent globs hanging on my face, I walked out of my office into the foyer where the postman was grabbing the mail. Thank goodness he had just turned to leave! Again – not a thoroughly thought through action.

Time to remove the tape came when after enough time elapsed that the effort was deemed, oh I don’t know, IDIOTIC! I had another co-worker or two join in the fun to watch as I tried to explain the concept behind the experiment and to watch as I removed the translucent trouble that had fused to my face. Or, should I say, they squirmed and “oooohh-ed” as I tore the tape, and I am almost positive three layers of skin, from my WRINKLY epidermis.

     

I did walk away from this little exercise with the wisdom that scotch tape is better used for gift wrapping, not wrinkle correction (Common Sense, Thou art called so for a reason). So for any of you who were sitting around this weekend wondering how to lesson those worry lines, I have this to say – “Vanity, you can go and take your stinking scotch tape with you – just leave my skin, please.”

Me - happy and wrinkly!

Look for the Yellow

Have you ever taken or given advice that no one would understand but you and the other person involved? Having children, one of whom is vying for the position of 2nd grade “Drama Queen”, you find yourself in the need of quick damage control on many occasions.

Finding my daughter in a melancholy mood one afternoon and finding nothing that would satisfy her or bring her out of her black cloud, I asked one last time what could possibly be the matter. She finally huffed and broke out with a tearful story of how a friend had told her super top secret, secret that she liked a boy in her class (primary school – BRUTAL!). Not wanting to make light of it and remembering a few of my own elementary tragedies, I tried to rush to the rescue with some life altering advice. I came up with nothing. “Just ignore her” was about the only words of wisdom flashing in my mind. But try giving a second grader this advice and…GOOD LUCK.

Yellow is not my favorite color. (Nothing personal – I love most all colors. But yellow had just never been on the upper level of my list.) Today, ironically, I found it lending its beauty to my use. “Sweetie, sometimes you just have to look for the yellow in things.” OK–I've probably heard that in some movie somewhere, right? And if I had not heard it somewhere else before – what was I thinking!? How in the world was I going to explain my way out of this verbage! Oh well – it worked! I explained that, let’s face it – sometimes people are just jerks. They are going to let you down or disappoint you (we’ve all been on the receiving end, if not the giving, at times). You can’t control what others say, only how you react. (Not anything new to any of you, but to a 2nd grader – it was is as if I were a sage.) I continued...when life stinks, you just have to look for something good, something “yellow”. Yellow is the color of a beautiful flower, the sun, a cute little baby chick - lots of pretty things. Ok, I’m not a poet or heart warming prose writer, but it was enough to get us through this episode and onto the next.

We still occasionally remind one another to “look for the yellow”. Yes, on those days when life stinks – look around to find your yellow (sometimes, you may have to look extra hard, but I hope you’ll find it).