“’Scuse Me, I’m Not Sure I ‘Herd’ You Correctly”

Once again, we find Annie, the humble secretary, busily typing at her desk. It’s been a quiet day on West Avenue today and almost time to punch the clock to end another workday, when “Woosh!” In rushes the boss with another one of those “we need your help” looks on his face. Following behind him is a young apprentice (ok – sorry, different story there). Following behind him is a seemingly innocent bystander. “What ‘cha doin’?,” Annie’s boss quizzically posses from the edge of his seat. “Just getting ready to head home for the day, sir, why?”


“Would you be willing to go pick up the sheep for the program we have coming up? I really want to have them here for rehearsal tonight!” Annie recalls a recent conversation which included asking for volunteers for animal care during the upcoming program, but assumed it had all been a hoax. Even now, she was unsure of the validity of the task that might lie ahead. Deciding to risk embarrassment, Annie volunteers for the mission. She listens intently as the instructions are given and lists them dutifully. “Here’s what you’ll have to do:

1) Call “Jennifer” for instructions on how to get to the farm;
2) Go to the farm;
3) Tell the gentleman you need two sheep and three lambs, no make that four lambs;
4) You’ll need to get enough feed and hay for the animals, so ask the man;
5) Bring them back safely and we will discuss what to do with them then (this part listed
For effect only – he never told me, ‘scuse me, Annie what to do with them after we brought them back to the office.”

“Joey”, here, will accompany you on this trip to help with securing and transporting the animals. As Annie listenes to her boss, she simultaneously ponders how all of this will happen using only her little car. Before she can even finish the thought, a set of keys are jingled in front of her face snapping her to. Realizing that it was now 4:10 PM and her children were due to arrive at the office around 4:30 PM, Annie makes a quick call for help. That task secured, she grabs her purse (a purse welding sheep herder – oh man), a camera (because she knew that this would somehow most definitely be worthy of capturing on film), and heads to the “Sheep Wranglin’ Mobile” with her new sidekick, Joey. Heading down the road, Annie makes the phone call to Jennifer and begins to write down directions, being that she is now being delayed by a train (blasted trains!). As soon as traffic begins to flow again, sidekick Joey takes over recording the directions and explaining them to Annie.

Arriving at their destination, the duo observe that the farm seemed abandoned…not a soul in sight. Was this a trap? Annie notices the object of their quest dotted around in the pasture next to them, accompanied by a furry, barking watchman. She approaches the house and knocks. A large, brow-furrowed man answers the door. Annie explains their mission, and the man shows Annie and Joey to the gate explaining that Annie will have to pull the truck through the gate (not realizing that this is something that paralyzes Annie-she was driving someone else’s truck and most definitely DOES NOT want to be responsible for scraping, wrecking, or driving it into any object – which was a great possibility for her). Safely on the other side of the gate and now closed in with the “cute little” sheep and lambs, the very brave (chicken) Annie exits the truck and is greeted by a VERY LARGE (a freakishly large) dog. He is beautiful, gentle (thank God), polar bear-white and very friendly, but very, VERY LARGE (maybe he IS a polar bear – one can never be certain on these adventures). He also serves as some sort of guard, but is more interested in having his ears rubbed than checking to make sure there’s no foul play at hand.

Sheep Man (SM) explains to the dynamic duo that we will ALL be catching the sheep with Annie concentrating on the lambs (thought we were just coming to pick them up, dude). “‘Scuse me? Any ideas or tips on how to do this properly or easily?” “Nope,” SM replies, “just catch ‘em.” “……….hummm.” (A glimpse into Annie’s mind.)

Joey and SM start out in a smaller enclosure herding the large sheep into a corner and leashing them by collars that they wore around their necks (like dogs). Annie heads off to “wrangle” her first (and only, in the end) lamb. (Oh yeah – you most definitely may begin your laughter here – but just know that being there in person would’ve given one a whole ‘nother dimension at which to chuckle.) The gentlemen finally wrestle up a sheep and get it to the truck (where they had already loaded a large wooden framed carrier). (Watching the “load up” was an eventful episode within itself, however, to rush this along - front legs first, hind legs shoved in second!) All the while, Annie is calmly (heart pounding like a snare drum) trying to chase down that first little lamb. She moves it (scares it half to death) along by the side of the fence and closes in upon the poor little creature until she finally has it within reach. Grasping the poor thing with her hands like a mother cat grabs her kittens by the nap of the neck with her mouth, she does it!! Once in hand, she is able to cradle it and actually pet it like a puppy! (They’re soooo sweeeeet!) Ok, back to the story!

One down, three more to go. All the while, she notices that her sidekick and Old McDonald over there have actually loaded three sheep instead of two! She asked boldly why this move had been made. “Aaah – might as well take three.” (Annie mind glimpse...“Oooookaaay.”)

Annie and the others set out to capture the last three lambs when our heroine notices that two of the lambs have followed a large herd out into the side pasture. (This ain’t good, guys.) Is this some kind of conspiracy? Maybe a trap to lure her to her demise? She couldn’t let that stop her from her “wranglin’”! So “Whoosh”, she flies (more like strolls)! She fights bush and bramble, thorn and thicket, rushing water and barbed wire fence (some of that has a stench of reality!) to get to the herd. Once there, she finds it quite easy to corner them. Had she gotten the hang of this after only one capture? She actually gets one of the lambs into position to capture, when suddenly they take off! She lunges at the lamb, then feeling his wool in her grasp, she stumbles! “Blasted!!” The lamb darts away (with a grin on his face) and Annie is left to try to recover her balance (...she actually takes quite a while trying to recover it when she finally just performs a half face plant! That’s right – the old girl just falls flat out on her knees and down to her elbows! Should’ve been there – quite a sight.) Whack! Pow! (This would be a great place for those comic sound affects – but they would’ve all been the sound of my joints popping and knees hitting the rocks and dirt!) The heroine quickly recovers (more or less jumps up and looks around to see if anyone actually saw her fat behind fall!) - she would not be taken down by the evil, humiliating, and very innocent looking “Lambinator” today! No! Quickly, she regains her senses (brushes off her sore knees- whole body, actually) and herds the sheep (along with the help of Joey and SM, who have now joined the fight (embarrassing mission)) to wrangle the sheep back over to the large pen.

Finally, all sheep have been collected and the tired, dirty, and “whupped” sheep herders are ready to head back to the office when, one of the sheep left behind keeps “baahhing” desperately and standing at the gate. SM decides, once again, to add another sheep!! (WHAT!?) That one loaded, SM quickly gives the dashing duo instructions on how much to feed and water their new pets-for-a-week. So they bid their new friend (the dog) adieu and jump into the “Sheep Herding Mobile” heading back to the office. Once again, Annie has “saved the day” with the aide of her trusty “loan for the day” sidekick and kept her super secret identify safe. (There’s just something about “loaded sheep” and “headed back to the office” that just doesn’t sound right.)

Tune in tomorrow when we hear Annie’s boss say, “No, I’ve changed my mind. Let’s not use those sheep tonight, but I do want Bear, the donkey.” (Glimpse into the mind of Annie…”There’s a donkey?”)