So Here's the Poop...

Poop. We all know about it, we all do it, we all think about it…not perpetually, but it’s just part of life. There “ain’t no gettin’ around it” unless you’re treadin’ carefully in a pasture (and that can be hard if you’ve ever tried, walkin’ the pasture, that is). No matter how socially humiliating or gross we can make this subject, it’s just there – stuck on the soles of our everyday life. (No apologies for the pun, but I’ll try to stop.)
My children and I like to frequent book stores in our area. We love to browse around, not only the books, but the trinkets, games, and novelty stuff that’s usually found on these retail ramblings. You know when you’re exploring and you stumble across that one item that you know you have to have! It’s a treasure, a booty of sorts (ok, forgive that one, please). It’s that something that almost seems out-of-place because you don’t see another one around. You know that it must have been left there just for you! Well, this wasn’t exactly one of those moments. However, it was one in which I said to myself…"I am going to buy this, if for no other reason, to prove that I actually saw it!" My friend, here is the evidence…

Please tell me I am not the only one who has found an actual, working POOP ERASER!  And in case you were wondering, they claim it to be "Totally FUNctional".  As you will note, it comes with its own toilet and tiolet paper. And, for those “oh crap” moments, when you need it, it has a handy little plunger. As if finding the poop wasn’t enough, upon opening it, I had to do it!  I smelled it!  Oh my word - it actually smells like chocolate. That’s right! How ironic is it that you can now erase your mistakes with a pile of chocolate- smelling POOP? Now my questions (not sure if I want them answered, but): What was the “concept session” like the day this was ruminated; the inspiration seems evident, but when exactly did this concept “hit” the “artist” (just go with me here – I’m past asking for forgiveness, this is just too easy); the sales pitch, for goodness sake, who gave the OK; marketing...oh, so much could be said; and finally, what would an order for this product sound like over the phone? We could continue, but why?
The first thing I did, of course, was to grab my phone and begin texting all my BF’s and FM’s (that’s family members for those of you not hip enough for the latest totally made up initials because we don’t have time to say or type the whole word any more). They had to know! If only I had the ability to send pics –then I would instantaneously be able to prove my find and share my UM (no, not Alice’s name in Wonderland, but Unbelievable Moment). I can take pics with my phone, I can text, I just can’t text pics! Flitter!
Less than a week later, I stumbled upon a gem of a website. No, I wasn’t researching or googling the word “poop”. This advertisement happened upon a sidebar to an email account I have & caught my eye. You can hypothesize about the 5 to 10 minutes that ensued. With a sparkle of curiosity in my eye and my mouth pursed, I opened and found…

What!? You may visit their websiste at:   http://turdtape.com.  I’ll let it speak for itself, but capitalizing on this one natural function of the body is about over the edge, don’t you agree? Though some of the testimonials - yes, they have them, were kinda funny!  Finding this was about like discovering a beautiful picture made from dryer or belly button lint or the artwork from a man who paints by vomit! Ok – no matter how “glamorous” you try to sell your product – it won’t adorn my wall! But I have heard the “guys talk” of the occasional “big one”, the colossal colon buster. Sorry, but the feeling is mutual on this subject as well – don’t want to see it! What would persuade you in any situation to solicit, “you gotta see this!” ( aside from it maybe coming out gold-plated or diamond encrusted and even then, really)? (Please don’t pay attention to the grammatical and punctuation mistakes in any of my articles – my brain works at differing speeds than the rest of me!)
Two other “Poop-oddities” I have run across lately: On a morning radio show, a lady called in to inform the listeners that she inspects her young children’s poop to see what the babysitter has fed them that day – the segment is called, “Does That Make Me Crazy?” (many of you are familiar with it) and my answer is, ummm, yeah – crazy and GROSS! Then there’s the Raindeer Poop Necklace that is supposedly magical. Don’t want any of that “enchantment” hanging on my neck, sorry Dasher. Yes, glamorized or commercialized, no matter what we do with it…it’s still POOP, and regardless, it ALL STINKS.

And Will the REAL Anellen Please Stand Up

When I was a young teen, my mom and dad bought me a small black and white TV to keep in my room.  What a luxury!  I vaguely remember watching reruns of old shows.  On one of them, a pannel of guest stars would quiz three people to try and guess which of them was the actual person in question.  I believe the name was "To Tell the Truth." 

Well, this isn't a game show, and I realize that it won't make any headline news, but after mulling it over and after polling a few respected individuals,  I decided that I no longer wanted to keep up a facade.  So I have a little confession to make.  At the time I began this blog, I did so with a good friend's advice.  She is an encouragement to me, so thank you, friend!  You know who you are!  I am not sure who brought up the idea of using a pen name, but with the events of life in which I currently find myself, she commented that I could use either my true name or a pen name and that I might be more comfortable using a pen name.  So I thought, "What a good way to begin writing and not have to worry about anyone realizing it was me on the other end of the keyboard."  Mind you, I have nothing to hide.

That being said, and realizing that, to be even more honest, I am going through a separation at this time and it hasn't exactly been fun, I decided that it was probably an even better idea to use a pen name.  I had been told by my whatever-you-call-a-mate-you're-seperated-from husband, upon asking permission to take a writing course, that it was just a waste of my time and our money.  I was also chided, in not so many words, because I had some stupid dream about trying to write, and I would just end up being disappointed or wasting time and money with taking any courses.  Now, I didn't have any dreams, necessarily, just wanted to improve my education.  Keep in mind this is the same man that spent $200 on a deer camp he never went to but once or twice the year he paid the dues.  (Sorry if I sound a little upset.)

So, in this blog, I, the real ANDREA, will stand up.  I made up the name Anellen because it was different and seemed to hide my "super-secret" identity well enough.  Wow, what a secret, right?  Ok, let's face it - not really big news here , but I had just about had enough of leaving comments and Anellen taking all the credit!  Plus, I just felt so "dadgum" (Southernism) deceitful. 

I'm actually a 36 year old mother of two awesome kiddos right here in the USA.  You will notice that I sometimes reference the South; so, I will tell you I am from Mississippi.  (And yes, we actually do come in pretty low on any and all polls taken in regards to many things.  Not a bad place to live, however.  And if we were polled on junk left in yards and Skoal dippers, we'd come in pretty darn close to the top, maybe behind Alabama and Tennessee - if not beating them out!  OK, so not much to brag about, but we've got to toot our horn about something!  And the birth place of Elvis Presley's been tooted out!  By the way, a Mississippian can go anywhere in the world and try to explain what town they're from and no one will know where we are talking about.  However, we can say we live .5 miles or 150 miles from Tupelo, MS, the birthplace of Elvis Presley - and most people mystically know exactly where we live!)

Whew....now that's done!  I might be able to sleep tonight!  Don't judge - you have to understand, I can take 30 minutes of a lunch hour driving around town trying to decide the perfect place to eat lunch!  Yes, I will drive myself crazy one day...get ready.

Vanity, O Vanity, Where Is Your Scotch Tape? (or Why In the Heck Do I Do These Things?)

DISCLAIMER – I am going to show you pictures of myself that I would never normally reveal (keep in mind that I hate ALL pics of myself, so I would normally never reveal ANY to you). Don’t worry – you aren’t about to see any porn. Trust me – that would be nightmarish! I preface this with a warning because what is about to be revealed to you WILL disappoint you…it may make your stomach churn…it may be – horrific.

We’ve all heard that piece of advice that just seemed stupid - after the fact. Last week, I decided to follow such counsel. During lunch, typing on my computer and shoving down a sandwich, I was joined by a co-worker. “Stop wrinkling your forehead. You really need to quit wrinkling your face. You know it causes wrinkles.” A fact of which I am increasingly becoming aware - only made worse, now, by her observation. Thanks! (Can you lovingly admonish someone?)

If you knew me, really knew me, you would not be surprised at the recall of odd advice that came to my mind at that moment. I pondered...“But how in the world do you go through life without making a single wrinkle in your face: You frown, you wrinkle; you smile, you wrinkle; you worry, you wrinkle; you wonder, you wrinkle; you scream, you wrinkle, you laugh, YOU WRINKLE. Come on!” Then the recall, “Hey, I heard this woman say once that if you put a piece of tape on the places that are beginning to wrinkle, it will make you more aware of when you are doing it and you can train yourself to do it less often.” “Yeah, I’ve heard that too,” retorted my co-worker. With a bit of a giggle, I grabbed the scotch tape – why not!

Now to target the trouble spots – a piece right in the middle of the forehead, a piece on the left side should cover the left set of laugh lines, and a piece on the right to do the same for that side. Alrighty folks, not gonna give the play-by-play, but I will just say that this advice ranks right up there with _____________________(I'm sure you could all fill in the blank).  As if I didn’t look foolish enough just sitting at my desk with transparent globs hanging on my face, I walked out of my office into the foyer where the postman was grabbing the mail. Thank goodness he had just turned to leave! Again – not a thoroughly thought through action.

Time to remove the tape came when after enough time elapsed that the effort was deemed, oh I don’t know, IDIOTIC! I had another co-worker or two join in the fun to watch as I tried to explain the concept behind the experiment and to watch as I removed the translucent trouble that had fused to my face. Or, should I say, they squirmed and “oooohh-ed” as I tore the tape, and I am almost positive three layers of skin, from my WRINKLY epidermis.

     

I did walk away from this little exercise with the wisdom that scotch tape is better used for gift wrapping, not wrinkle correction (Common Sense, Thou art called so for a reason). So for any of you who were sitting around this weekend wondering how to lesson those worry lines, I have this to say – “Vanity, you can go and take your stinking scotch tape with you – just leave my skin, please.”

Me - happy and wrinkly!

Look for the Yellow

Have you ever taken or given advice that no one would understand but you and the other person involved? Having children, one of whom is vying for the position of 2nd grade “Drama Queen”, you find yourself in the need of quick damage control on many occasions.

Finding my daughter in a melancholy mood one afternoon and finding nothing that would satisfy her or bring her out of her black cloud, I asked one last time what could possibly be the matter. She finally huffed and broke out with a tearful story of how a friend had told her super top secret, secret that she liked a boy in her class (primary school – BRUTAL!). Not wanting to make light of it and remembering a few of my own elementary tragedies, I tried to rush to the rescue with some life altering advice. I came up with nothing. “Just ignore her” was about the only words of wisdom flashing in my mind. But try giving a second grader this advice and…GOOD LUCK.

Yellow is not my favorite color. (Nothing personal – I love most all colors. But yellow had just never been on the upper level of my list.) Today, ironically, I found it lending its beauty to my use. “Sweetie, sometimes you just have to look for the yellow in things.” OK–I've probably heard that in some movie somewhere, right? And if I had not heard it somewhere else before – what was I thinking!? How in the world was I going to explain my way out of this verbage! Oh well – it worked! I explained that, let’s face it – sometimes people are just jerks. They are going to let you down or disappoint you (we’ve all been on the receiving end, if not the giving, at times). You can’t control what others say, only how you react. (Not anything new to any of you, but to a 2nd grader – it was is as if I were a sage.) I continued...when life stinks, you just have to look for something good, something “yellow”. Yellow is the color of a beautiful flower, the sun, a cute little baby chick - lots of pretty things. Ok, I’m not a poet or heart warming prose writer, but it was enough to get us through this episode and onto the next.

We still occasionally remind one another to “look for the yellow”. Yes, on those days when life stinks – look around to find your yellow (sometimes, you may have to look extra hard, but I hope you’ll find it).

Apparently, I Like 'Em Crunchy

Sitting with a group of ladies recently, a conversation broke out about “lick lists”. And yes – I had to ask, “What’s a ‘lick list’?” A simple explanation is…a person who makes you so weak in the knees that you want to walk up and lick them. (Ok – you should know that I was blushing the whole time the conversation was taking place. Some people call me “Lily” because I seem to be quite naïve and very ditzy at times. I like the “eccentric” part of the definition.)

Back to the matter…having been separated for the last 9 months, I wasn’t sure just how active I should be in a forum of this nature. I decided it would be better to listen & ask questions but stop short of contributing. Actor after actor’s name was thrown onto each girl’s list – and I must say, I wasn’t surprised at most of the names. Let’s just say Gerard Butler, Josh Duhamel, Bradley Cooper – you would be dripping with saliva. After a while, and after realizing that I hadn’t taken part in the conversation aside from asking, “Now, who is he,” one of the gals asked, “And just why are you so quiet? Who would make YOUR lick list?”

OK – the card had been thrown…should I poker-face my way out of this and continue to be silent, or, now that I had been enlightened as to what this little pole was all about, innocently contribute? Honestly, I went blank…I contemplated too deeply…just who would I name? First of all, I have usually never been attracted to the "dreamy icons" of the times. I’m just weird that way. So I couldn’t readily pinpoint one in that realm. Second of all, being somewhat OCD, there is VERY LITTLE that would convince me to even think about putting my tongue on a man…unless he had just stepped out of a 3 or 4 phase shower that might even include a quick swabbing with an antiseptic! (OK – so I’m not really that bad, I have been married! I do have children. But it’s a very near reality. Let’s just say that it took years for me to get to where I am today – sorry if that offends anyone – not trying to write risqué – just stating a fact and hoping that if you’re reading this and have ever awakened with morning breath and “bed smell”, you understand!)

Hummm…they were all still staring, waiting with anticipation. That 5 seconds felt like 30 minutes! “Well, I like a guy with manly hands.” WHAT DID I JUST SAY?! Of all the things I could have come up with - it was regarding hands? To my surprise, I got a couple of “yes, girl”s. OK, my confidence up a little, I proclaimed, “I like tattoos & I am not offended by piercings. You pretty much put ink & metal on ‘em and I’ll do a double-take.”

One of the leaders of the round table laughed and said, “Humph…so you like’em a little crunchy, huh?” Well, unfamiliar with that term and already under the suspicion that I had waded off too deep into this one, I decided it was better to NOT ASK. So to all you decent “Crunchies” out there – much love! (Yes, I include you, Shaun Morgan.)

Update

I am sorry to say that the gentleman who had the severed arteries in his neck and a 10% chance of life lost his battle. Thank you to those of you who were praying. I found out that his children are actually much younger that originally reported. The mother is very young also. Please continue to keep this family in thoughts and prayers.

Painfully Aware

Lately, I have been made painfully aware of others' losses and hardships. It is always heartbreaking to hear of anyone facing tragedy or loss. I am moved to tears many times when even thinking of what they must have gone through or are currently experiencing. There are two that I would like to pass on to you in hopes you will be thinking about and praying for them and/or their families.

Sitting at a party Saturday afternoon, one of the girls in our circle got a call. She left the room. When she re-entered, she was in tears. Of course, we all asked what had happened and if there was anything we could do. She related the tragedy of which she had been made aware. A son of her co-worker had been serving in Iraq. She had just gotten the news that he had lost his life. This is tragic within itself, but only more so by the fact that he was married, and his wife is expecting their third child. Not only did a mother lose her son, but a wife lost a husband and children lost a father.

A second such life - altering tragedy is one related to me yesterday by a family member. A friend of his had been having neck & back pain and was encouraged to see a chiropractor. Never having used such a specialist before, he thought he would try. After seeing the chiropractor (and while still in the office) he began to get very sick. He knew something was wrong, but was shocked when he and his family found that he was actually having a stroke. He was rushed to the hospital where they could do very little for him aside from transferring him to a different hospital. The family was later informed that both main arteries leading to his brain had been severed and he was given a 10% chance of life. This was not an older gentleman but a 26 year old young man with a wife and 2 children ages 2 yrs and 4 yrs. He is holding on to life and is relatively non-communicative. His wife played a video of his children for him yesterday and he did shed tears, so there is the proof that he can see and hear what is going on around him.

I realize that there are countless people who have stared loss, disease, death, etc. straight into its face and are sirvivors. Many have begun organizations of their own to help others facing life-situations or battles similar to those they have faced. I am sorry to say I am not aware of many of them, personally, but I can pass on two organizations I have been made aware of lately:

www.caringbridge.org and www.hadrianswalk.org

There are many, many, many more such sites. And many heart-ripping stories like these. I hope that, if we cannot do anything more than lift thoughts & prayers for these families that we will do so and share their stories with others. Some of you that I DO know personally have faced your own adversity. I can say to you, you have inspired me or spoken to the depth of my soul, and, at times, spurred me on. (Don't judge the sentence-ending preposition!) I want to say thank you to each of you - many of you know who you are, and if you don't, I pray time will allow me to one day let you know.